Old Hats SpeakEasy Lounge

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The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cock fighting being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate. Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.

"Dey is tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Demcratic Natnal Char from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. And I knowed immediately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see ... " sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the DNC was involved?"

"De duck won!"

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Hat has lost his flock 

[DC_1908]

Hat has lost his flock 

😆😆🤣
yeah where the hell has The Bread been?

[DC_1908]

just . . . because

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does anyone remember when Comedy Central was actual comedy?....

[ArJunaZ]

I think I'm in Love !   



Now I know what Canadian men do during those long boring winters.

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I don't even want to know the search words that found that

[Mickstix]

Hat..  Speak to us old timer!!  Hope all's well my friend..

[Maacoshark]

I think I'm in Love !   



Now I know what Canadian men do during those long boring winters.

   Is that you Ajr?

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this seems awfully familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it  .....

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The admin here needs to do a better job of monitoring who is joining this group. We have a new member, an elderly man. He’s been privately messaging members, sending naked pictures of himself in nasty poses along with close ups of his unmentionables. He is offering an iPhone 8+ in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an iPhone 6 and something’s obviously wrong with it because it’s really slow and the caps lock is stuck on.

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An old blind man walks into an all-women biker bar and takes a seat at one of the bar stools. He orders a whiskey and says “Hey bartender! Care to hear a blonde joke?” The women next to the man says “Hey there cowboy, to be fair, being blind and all I figured I’d give you a heads up. We’re an all-women bar, the bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde black belt. I’m a 6 foot 6, 170 pound professional wrestler. Our chef is a blonde professional weight lifter. Our DJ is a blonde and she’s a professional fighter with a billy club. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?

The man thinks about it for a second and says “You know what, I’ll keep it to myself. I don’t want to have to explain it 5 times

[ArJunaZ]

A guy walks into an ice rink with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the ice and grabbed a puck.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow managed to swallow it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"He just ate the hockey puck...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry and don't worry, I'll pay for the puck."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for all the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender  asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arsh, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that hockey puck, he measures everything first."

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic to have his truck fixed

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied,

'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens

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I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green. An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Islamic extremists shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man . . .that could have been me!”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[ArJunaZ]

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green. An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Islamic extremists shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man . . .that could have been me!”
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

For real?

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For real?

 

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read: "Free Sex with Fill-Up, just guess the right number between 1 and 10."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his Free Sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his Free Sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No Free Sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his Free Sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no Free Sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away Free Sex."  Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week"

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's truck and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house".

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about six months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 6 months ago?""Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything.