Talk about Capitals hockey & more! > Washington Capitals & Other Hockey Discussion
Old Hats SpeakEasy Lounge
alta:
The admin here needs to do a better job of monitoring who is joining this group. We have a new member, an elderly man. He’s been privately messaging members, sending naked pictures of himself in nasty poses along with close ups of his unmentionables. He is offering an iPhone 8+ in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an iPhone 6 and something’s obviously wrong with it because it’s really slow and the caps lock is stuck on.
alta:
:-\
:lol:
alta:
An old blind man walks into an all-women biker bar and takes a seat at one of the bar stools. He orders a whiskey and says “Hey bartender! Care to hear a blonde joke?” The women next to the man says “Hey there cowboy, to be fair, being blind and all I figured I’d give you a heads up. We’re an all-women bar, the bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde black belt. I’m a 6 foot 6, 170 pound professional wrestler. Our chef is a blonde professional weight lifter. Our DJ is a blonde and she’s a professional fighter with a billy club. Are you sure you still want to tell that joke?
The man thinks about it for a second and says “You know what, I’ll keep it to myself. I don’t want to have to explain it 5 times
ArJunaZ:
A guy walks into an ice rink with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the ice and grabbed a puck.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow managed to swallow it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"He just ate the hockey puck...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry and don't worry, I'll pay for the puck."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for all the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arsh, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that hockey puck, he measures everything first."
alta:
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic to have his truck fixed
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied,
'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens
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